The Empire Brings You: Unimportant News From Around The WORLD!!! (that should be said with a loud proud chest pumping deep voice)

dateline Florida... Despite having a dismal losing record against the worst team the AL East, the New York Yankees managed to drop the proverbial hammer on the Tampa Bay Devil Dopes on Tuesday in the opener of their three game series in the sunshine state.

When reached for comment by The Empire's field team, highly sweaty first baseman Jason Giambi said "Heh heh, that was rad." Of course, the question was, "Jason, do you feel that the strong offensive effort tonight is indicative of the team's energy level going into the home stretch of the pennant race.?" Giambi then tucked into the fetal position and nestled himself to sleep in his temporary locker.

Center fielder Bernie Williams, who turned 37 Tuesday, was seen mixing Metamucil after the game. He said to the press, "This shit really loosens me up. I can swing for days and days. Barry Bonds will be my bitch in the home." Immediately following his comment, Williams was caught rushing to the locker room. And we mean rushing.

After going 4 for 4 on the night, Hideki Matsui was seen headbutting a Japanese photographer. No charges have been filed, as the victim spent far too much time calling and bragging to everyone he new in Japan to actually make a statement to the police.

dateline Toronto... Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis has a biggggg ass. That is all.

dateline Gulf Coast... Hurricane's still suck. Lots of letters being sent to the Carolinas.

dateline L.A.... (nobody cares)

dateline Washington... After the first day of the Senate probing of Supreme Court Chief Justice nominee John Roberts, scientific experts have determined that he is, indeed, the most buggy-eye-dest guy ever to set foot on Capitol Hill.

dateline Ohio... Police discovered 8 children being force to sleep in wooden cages on the property of their foster family. The confinements were approximately 3 feet in width and height and did not include blankets, pillows, or any sexual pleasure devices. This will be filed under, more evidence that The Empire's theory -Ohio is majorly sucktastic- is spot on.

And in the immortal impotent words of Dennis Miller, that's the news and I am outta here