Third and Long for 5 to 10

Feeling as though the Baltimore Ravens had gotten a little to squeaky clean in recent months, cornerback Samari Rolle optioned to smack his wife around a bit to remind everyone that the NFL ain't for pussies who obey the law. Rolle, famous for having an exceedingly ridiculous name in a leaque already peppered with absurd monickers, agreed to a blistering inappropriate 11 month and 29 day probation in addition to mandatory anger management classes which he will attend with his wife, the aforementioned punching bag.

Before The Empire launches into a 29 page tirade about how much the Baltimore Ravens eat the world's collective feces it would like to remind all the faithful that beating your spouse doesn't solve problems but mostly just costs you money and makes the world think you have a non-functioning penis.

And what is the deal with Mrs. Rolle having to go to anger management classes? Isn't it clear that Samari is the one swinging the big bone filled meat sacks? Well, perhaps not. Perhaps the Mrs. is a giant pain in the ass. But even if that is the case it only serves to reaffirm The Empire's theory that the Baltimore Ravens (and anyone who marries into them or roots for them) is a magnet for disappointment and the odd crack on the chin.

And speaking of crack, how is Jamal Lewis doing?

Anyway. To put the smack-in-the-face-to-the-fans icing on this cake, Rolle will be fined one game check by the NFL for violating its personal conduct policy and will play in the team's season opener this week. By and large a fantastic match to the lax punishment most Ravens felons receive when they finally get caught doing whatever it is that they do.

So, The Empire thanks Samari Rolle for reinstating the Ravens to "most ghettoest" team in the NFizzLe.