TGI-Freedom or: Everyone Take Notes

Good Friday to all! Before we get into anything serious The Empire has some very important birthday's to, as the hip-hopsters say, give a shout out, to or on or whatever. September 2nd brought us:

The end of dubya dubya 2 and Vietnamese Independence Day
The Cartoon Network's Adult Swim and The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
Professional stoner imitator, Keanu Reeves and marginally famous actor, Mark Harmon
The Empire's favorite backup QB Tommy "I Mostly Mentor" Maddox
Big tall tough intimidating black man, Lennox Lewis

And, of course, the hottest woman in the world (with hips I might add), Salma "Every Move I Make Deposits More Sexy To The World" Hayek.

Also, Ho Chi Minh, the communist leader of North Vietnam died on September 2nd. Great timing Ho!

Now, on to more important matters...

This Friday The Empire is taking a much needed jaunt up to the great state of New Hampshire to visit some old friends. New Hampshire is great for a number of reasons. It is the "Live Free or Die" state, which may seem pretty cool when you say it fast but actually instills a little bit of fear in your average person who doesn't want ANY kind of "or Die" option on his or her vacation or life in general. New Hampshire has no state income tax.... and why hasn't the rest of the union picked up on that yet? New Hampshire has a dull name, which prevents it from being in too many annoying or comedic jingles. And New Hampshire is the most libertarian government of all the 50 states, commonwealths, subsidiaries, or whatever (yes, I realize that's two whatevers.)

But the far coolest thing about New Hampshire does not lie in its picturesque landscapes or pleasant inhabitants. It’s the cheap booze. That's right, alcohol. New Hampshire is, by any stretch of the imagination, the least expensive place to professionally drink in all of the northeastern United States. And for that, The Empire is eternally thankful.

So, in appreciation of New Hampshire's extremely evolved government, beneficial tax protocol, and totally awesomely cheap state liquor stores The Empire proudly presents a completely new and soon to be repeated feature:

People Who Should Have a Drink Today

#1. Homos in California should have a drink in celebration of their state senate passing the nation’s first full fledged same-sex marriage bill. Now gays can experience the same stifling angst and lack of sex that only marriage can provide. Bottoms up!

#2. The engineers who built the New Orleans levees, have a couple. A light beer buzz will make the scowls of disappointment look like muted vomitty-faces.

#3. George W. Bush, have a shot and a whiskey chaser because, frankly, The Empire has seen you drunk and thinks it’s fricken hysterical. Do it again, do it again! It’s not like you can get fired for being tanked on the job.

#4. Steve Jobs, have a spiked veggie smoothie. There’s no way whatever you’ve got up your sleeve is going to top the iPod so now is the time to celebrate.

#5. Yankee pitcher Jaret Wright, that looked like it hurt. Throw back one on us.

#6. Jason Statham, star of “Transporter 2,” deserves a drink because he seems to have convinced someone to top a really really horrendously horrible movie with an equally crappy looking sequel.

#7. And of course let’s not forget Mother Nature. Because you love to remind us that, despite all the whiny environmentalist claims that we are wrecking you left and right, you could wipe us out like a brown stain in your underwear if it suited you. A kir royale for you, madame.

Enjoy the long weekend.