Thou Shalt Worship the Pigskin

Good morning excited people of the world. The Empire is incredibly pleased to remind you, as if anyone forgot, that football starts Tonight!! And while we don't want to take our eyes off the ball, so to speak, there are a few points of agression we'd like to get out before getting to the good stuff.

The Empire realizes it takes a lot of time to insult the Baltimore Ravens and, frankly, it's well deserved time. But let's not forget the other teams in the NFL that deserve ridicule. First, of course, there are the Browns -or should we call them the Oranges? It feels like kicking a retarded kid while he's already down, but boy do the Oranges suck. And The Empire is glad they suck. And we hope that they keep on sucking so we can spend more time insulting the Ravens -hence forth known as the Purple Browns. So, in conclusion, screw the Orange Browns and screw the Purple Browns. They all suck.

And on the subject of teams The Empire will arbitrarily hate, let's add the "you're the not quite a dynasty just yet suckers" Patriots, the "I'll hate them only as long as that dopy looking prick Eli Manning is at the helm" Giants, the "we'll take it in the rear like first night prison meat from our obnoxious wide-out" Eagles, the "we're getting pumped up by every sports publication because we won 6 of our last 8 in '04 but no one realizes they were all losing teams anyway" Panthers, and last but certainly not least sucky, the "we suckity suck suck just 'cause" Bucaneers. Also, the Jags blow.

Thank God for football.

Moving on to the really important issue at hand.

The Empire presents:

The Ten Commandments of Football

10. Thou shalt consume Coors and Rolling Rock from September to February because that is how it should be. Also, the Corona vats are finally empty from the summer gluttony.

9. Thou shalt not accept any distractions or non-football conversations of any kind during game time.

8. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors hot wings.

7. Thou shalt do no shots during the game.

6. Thou shalt hate Dion Sanders and John Madden with the burning passion of a thousand suns.

5. Thou shalt rise and shout from the rooftops "I love football more than life itself and anyone who doesn't like that can Bite My Ass."

4. Thou shalt not skip a football game for a baseball game, unless it's a potential last game of the world series and your team is playing, only then can you switch over at commercials.

3. Thou SHALT NOT BAND WAGON JUMP! Thou wilst pick and stick from Preseason to Superbowl.

2. Thou shalt never bet against your team, NEVER EVER, no matter what the odds.

1. Thou shalt cheer and cheer and cheer and cheer and cheer and cheer for the black and gold.

Read and Remember. Blessed is the game. Go Football!