My Euphemism Hurts or: Yahoo for Women

Americans have given so much to the world; the car, the semi-automatic pistol, Scooby-Do, and now we're giving out democracy like free samples of deodorant at a gay pride parade. But one of the most enduring contributions of American culture is the renaming of Wednesday. Of course I'm referring to the ever pleasant Humpday. Yes, we as a nation are parent to some of the brightest ideas in technology and art, and we also named a day in our week after an undesirable physical deformity. Cheers! But in honor of humpday, The Empire has decided to honor the owners of the hump; women. (Please direct your prickly liberal cranky anti-fun feminist darts at the comments section and not at my head as you see me passing on the street.)

Here's a salute to some special women:

1. Natalie Portman - Not too much to say about Natalie, she's just great. Super. Marvelous. Awesome. Rad. Excellent. Sweet! Rockin'. Well, you get it. No one hates Natalie because there's not much to dislike at all. Let's put up a toast to one big class act. Plus she's really really really irresistibly cute! Yes, The Empire has a heart... and other organs as well.
2. Faith Hill - In case anyone forgot, Faith Hill is still really really really annoying. And her husband produces music that is so racially insensitive it would make David Duke blush. The Empire is anxiously waiting for Faith Hill's career to graduate to Bar Mitzvahs and Tuesday night specials at the Cincinnati Ho Jo Sing Song Bar.
3. Raquel Welch - Three words; timeless, timeless, timeless. Industrial grade construction should last this long and with such style. Taking notes, Cher!?!?
4. Paris Hilton - When oh when will Paris Hilton just go away forever? Does the world really have to end to prove a point? The Empire submits that she is the catalyst of pure evil in the universe and the sooner she is destroyed the sooner we can start really worrying about pesky things like global warming and getting to the moon... again!
5. Angie Harmon - This is one special lady. Two huge points for her. One for being knock down stunning and another for not turning into any kind of famous athlete's wife cliche. The Empire wants to know what it can do about getting this woman her own network or at the very least a nationally recognized holiday. Plus, didn't she just kick all kinds of ass on Law & Order?
6. Hillary Clinton - Even though she's a senator now, she still reminds us of Uncle Joe Stalin. Let's think about that in 2008. Just sayin'.
7. Mona Lisa - Thanks should be to Mona, who reminds us that quality film work like "Buttsizer 2: The King of Rears," "Breast Wishes 5," "The Joy Dick Club," and "The Four Finger Club 21" truly does improve with age. Happy 35th Mona.

See you next humpday, kids.