Coors Lite for Life or: Why No One Needs a "Case" of the Mondays?

And a bright and happy Monday morning to you. I say to hell with the Monday morning blues, it's those Friday morning "oh dear lord the week's not finished but I have a hangover" blues that really get to you. By comparison to the splitting headache and the loathsome guilt of embarrassing yourself in front of your co-workers at "Tequila Jimmy's" 2-for-1-shot Thursday Happy Hour, Monday just isn't so bad. So in the spirit of Monday, here is some great news that August 29th 2005 brings to our life.

> Football is here. With NFL Preseason Week 3 coming to a close with tonight's Monday Night Game on ABC (starring the painfully idiotic John Madden,) we can all get excited at the prospect of remembering what buffalo wings, cheese balls, and Coors Lite taste like. No autumn is complete without the sprint to pack on the modicum of weight you've lost in the scorching excitement of the summer. For that matter, solid lard should become the official halftime snack of the NFL. We all learned last week, with the tragic passing of 23 year old 49ers rookie Thomas Herrion, that it's bad for your health to be hefty and running around on a field all day, with full gear on, in Californian heat, and bashing into other huge guys. But as long as you're hefty and sitting in a comfortable chair, in a home with central air, with celery on the side, a can of lite beer in your hand, and fully stocked cabinet of Levitra in your bathroom you're OK!
But seriously. I love football like I love my mother; more for a couple of months a year than others. And The Empire believes that if anything can be learned from the unfortunate loss of a young man like Thomas Herrion, it is that death is fickle and even those in our society that make their living with their bodies and depend on being "in shape" are susceptible bugs that we never see coming. So, while we're all enjoying our football junk food, and The Empire 100% endorses such behavior, let's remember to balance it out with a salad and a soda water for lunch on Monday. That's the best (and most) diet advice The Empire will ever give; balance.

> Monday the 29th brings us the news that North Korea is still a pain in the ass. But if nothing else it does give us some perspective. What can we say about a country whose people are starving but needs to be in a "talk" with five other countries to discuss the future of its nuclear program? Sure the United States looks like crap from time to time, but at least we waste money on things like glitterly billboards, SUVs, and Paris Hilton before we think about diverting money to the development of weapons rather than feeding the hungry. The Empire suggests that we, as a nation, just level with North Korea. Let's all concede that the only people really interested in using nuclear weapons are the Indians and Pakistanis. And they're such silly kids anyway.
So who needs 'em, the nukes that is? Let's all invest in building cheaper more exciting sports cars. There's something that will stimulate international cooperation! We'll need longer, flatter roads. Everyone will need to take courses in power sliding. Not to mention the fast demand for inept mechanics. And do not forget higher demands for petrol. More oil production makes everyone happy, especially the Saudis. And isn't that what really counts?

> Monday the 29th also teaches us that America still loves reality television. And The Empire would have something snarky to say about that, BUT IT MAKES ME TOO ANGRY TO TYPE!

> And happy 47th birthday to Michael Jackson! Michael, you get away with felonies even faster and with less enthusiasm than O.J. Simpson and for that The Empire salutes you. Thank you for reminding us that the rich truly can beat the system. All the best on your special day.

> The Empire would like to remind all the faithful out there that life is hard. So appreciate the ones you love. Because they'll laugh if you lose control of your bladder at an inopportune moment but still love you.

Happy Monday Everyone!