The Friscan Goes West or: California Here We Cooooooooooooooome!

It's that time of year again. No, not back-to-school time, not Christmas time, not ass-whuppin time, it's lease signing time. And for those who are pulling up stakes and heading to a new town, it is prime U-Haul season. So, in the spirit of unmitigated expansion, The Empire has dispatched its own field correspondent, The Friscan, to ol'San Fran; or as we like to call it, The Land That The Law Forgot.

The Friscan's primary assignment is to keep an eye on that wiley 9th Circuit Court but that won't be occupying all of his time. Really we've sent The Friscan out west to find out how things work out there. Do Californians breathe oxygen the way we do? Can people in San Fran stand properly on level sidewalks? And what's it like having a Terminator for a governor? The Friscan will be checking in periodically and hopefully supplying some answers for these pointlessly trivial questions.


The Friscan is also on a massive breast search, that is a large search for breasts rather than a regularly sized search for giant breasts (though we'll certainly take said mondo melons under consideration.) He's not just looking for any old set of boobs, no, The Friscan will be scouting out the perfect pair of Californian Ta-tas. And for this we will be paying him a bonus of special 9AM Sunday morning wake up calls. (We'll explain that one later.)

To make sure he doesn't become too broken down under the burden of his fieldwork, The Friscan will be taking paid time off to explore new techniques in transcendent relaxation. We've set him up with the top "professionals" in the region and we will be expecting bi-quarterly updates on that subject as well, with pictures!

But in all seriousness, it is with a heavy heart and very few remaining cheerios that The Empire sends its humble correspondent out into the soulless west without a firearm of some kind or at least a fresh supply of personal lubricant. We will have a tough time adjusting to his absence. But we take comfort in the fact that more and more airlines are embracing chapter 11. We expect that first class tickets to the rice-a-roni city will be cheaper than a pack of Merit Ultra Lites within a few months.

Good luck in California, Friscan. We will miss you. And don't forget to keep it straight.

||For those of you not reading between the lines (and you clearly don't watch enough MTV and Fox) Coming soon to The Empire, MORE DRAMA AND BREASTS!||