The Burden of Availability

Someone once said, "You are what you eat." Some witty executive later penned, "you are what you wear." Well, I think both are right. I think, you are what you wear, say, do and advertise. And I believe in truth in advertising.

I want to be clear, I am not talking about print ads, television commercials, or radio plugs. I am talking about properly representing yourself. If you walk down the street in fuzzy jogging pants that say "slut" or "pornstar" in pink glitter letters across your ass then, girly, you had better be willing to toss that leg in the air if I fan a crisp fifty in your face. If your shabby-chic t-shirt exclaims "talk dirty to me," I don't want the creepy, 270-pound, comicbook store owner with blood red acne to get slapped across the cheek when he asks to "drill his #*$% into your tight bald !&@^." And if your ironic skater hoody has a glorified drawing of Che Guevara on the back then you had better not complain when I get a policeman to gut slug you and take your money, bling, watch, iPod, and fancy new cellular phone.

Which brings me to my main point, your cell phone. The cell phone is a staple in our society. It is a highlighted fixture in our everyday lives. It is, perhaps, the single most integral and yet at the same time irritating innovation of the last quarter millennium. But here's the thing. If you carry a cell phone, THEN PICK THE DAMN THING UP WHEN SOMEONE CALLS YOU!!!

Each and everyone of you knows someone, is married or related to someone, or is stalking someone who just refuses to use that damned phone in the manner of which it was intended.

I call you. You don't pick up. I leave a brief and descriptive message. You don't call back. 4 hours pass and the ice in my vodka is melting. I call you. You don't pick up. I don't leave a message. 10 minutes pass and my vodka is finished and a white-haired man at the bar is making hump-me eyes in my direction. I order another vodka. 10 more minutes pass. I call you. You don't pick up. I leave a passive aggressive but seemingly cute message. I get drunk and wake up next to the bartender who, thankfully, is not the white-haired man. 2 days pass, our paths cross idly and you have a perfectly reasonable excuse for not picking up the f*cking phone and spending 2 blessed minutes to say, "I'm caught up with my roommate and her drama addicted boyfriend, sorry I can't make it out for drinks." I accept your apology and spread rumors around your workplace that you have VD.

Nobody Wins!

If you carry a phone, answer it. If you're not going to pick up your phone, if you're not going to return calls in a respectable amount of time, if you're going to just sit there while your sister calls and calls and calls and calls and leaves 8 minute long rambling diatribes on your voicemail, then don't carry a phone. It's a phone! It's a communications device. It's not a fancy time keeping accessory.

It drives me up a wall to hear people bitch and moan about "not being able to get away." Get away? It's not the Gestapo coming down your block! It's your mother wanting to know if you had a nice week. There's no harm in saying, "Hi, I can't talk long. What's up?" No one is going to hunt you down if you break the conversation with, "Gee sorry, I have to hang up. I'm in the middle of something." It won't kill you to just be responsible.

Cell phones were made to make life easier for everyone, NOT JUST YOU! Completing that call makes the whole damned scenario of living go more smoothly. And if you don't want to get calls or if you don't want to return them? Don't carry a cell phone. Just meet up with people when you can.

Picking up your phone is your damned job. And if you can't pick it up, get back to me in less than 2 hours explaining why because I've got other things to do than sit around waiting to hear your half-baked excuse. And by the way, I've heard them all.

And don't come back at me with, "Oh right, like you don't ignore calls." 'Cause that's right, I don't. You're talking about a guy who has, on more than one occasion, answered his phone mid-coitus. I pick it up when you call and I'm asleep. I pick it up when I'm out to dinner. I carry a cell phone everywhere and when I can't talk I pick up and say so. Or I step away and call back in 10 minutes, NOT the next day. People expect to be able to reach me. And I give my people what they want. That's why they buy me drinks. That's why I believe in truth in advertising...



Sigh. And one last thing. Keep your damned appointments.

My mother often asks me, "Wow, what did we do before cell phones?"

My reply, every single time: "Ma, we made better plans."