Why Can't I Hate Right

Sometimes we, as consumers, have absolutely no control over what we want. We buy trendy overpriced clothes, prototype electronic goods, and first generation cars that just always break down. And we continue to do it, over and over again. We know we're doing it but we just can't seem to stop. Well, doesn't the same thing kind of go for the pop media that we consume? Television is all crap. Every plot line is a rehash of something that intruiged us years ago, yet we still watch. Movie stink. Remake after remake, we see the same generic characters and storylines played out, but we still cough up ten bucks on a Friday night. Pop music? Let's not even open that can of worms. It seems we continue to love things that just undeniably suck.

So, it is in recognition of this puzzling situation that The Empire would like to examine the top 5 Pop culture icons that we simply Hate to Love:

5. George Clooney. This jackass is one of those truly upsetting examples of a movie star who would be just excellent if he could learn to keep his big fat mouth shut. At any given moment over the last decade Clooney could be heard spouting off his bassackwards opinions on politics, social "injustice," or public policy. He has no shame in his blathering on and on, backing up nothing more than his own personal agenda. And he is completely unapologetic in his gargantuan self-absorbtion. But damn does that sonovabitch have some screen presence! He makes funny movies, enjoyable crap-action movies. He's pretty convincing in a drama and knows how to throw in a playful satire from time to time; a true entertainer. Even during this year's Oscar ceremony, you could kind of see shadows of the Jack (The True Great One) Nicholson in the grey-haired ER alum. Wouldn't life be a lot easier if this bonehead could just stick to being a great star and not just another loud ignorant "actorvist?"

4. Katie Holmes. Granted, this is an entry based strongly on recent events but let's call a spade a spade. Where once stood the fair-skinned, dark-haired young beauty with the crooked smile we couldn't help but have wet dreams about, now lies the twisted ruins of a Hollywood nutbag gone horribly wrong? Pregnant, unwed, careerless, scurying around the world with Capitan ElCreapo the grinning midget and his "aliens are gonna get us" cult, Katie has done a complete 180. Or shall we say a 666ty. Forget hurricane Katrina, what about this arbitrary destruction and meaningless suffering that is our former Joey Potter? And yet, through the glory of preserved media we can still toss in a DVD, pull out an old magazine, or punch in a Google search and pretend that she's still the innocent, mediocre actress we loved circa 2002. The trouble is, we still know the sordid and tragic truth. She'll never be pre-TomKat Katie again.

3. The 80's. Tube socks, Debbie Gibson, day-glo, New Coke, crimping irons, and Richard Grieco. Do we really need to go into more reasons why the 1980's were a stunning disaster? But let's face it, millions of people just seem to have a big soft spot for decade that God forgot. Hell, there's a president of a Phil Collins/Genisis fanclub out there who truly relishes the 80's Dance Night at his favorite local club. There are legions of girls who pull their hair back into the off center ponytail once a month. For goodness sake, The Empire has even been known to rock out to Billy Idol from time to time. It's hard to deny. We love the 80's. But don't you HATE THAT!?

2. ....one of the truest Man Codes states, "It's okay to like Snatch, Seven, and Fight Club, but it is not okay to like Brad Pitt." I think this is a concept that men, and even most women, can really get on board with. Brad Pitt is kind of a dick. He seems completely unable to be faithful to even the most amazing of women. He's literally dropped one after another, like a fricken branch-hopping monkey, on the simple matter of convenience. "Gee, made a movie with her, better start cleaning her pipes. To hell with my girlfriend, fiance, wife." Let's be serious here, this ponce broke the heart of Jennifer Aniston, arguably one of the world's greatest natural resources since crude oil. And to top it all of, the bastard is smug, seriously smug. It's as though he walks around knowing he's the greatest piece of ass on seven continents. And dammit, it's pretty widely accepted that he is. So, it stands to argue that we should like him. But on the same token, it stands to argue that we should hate his perfect guts. Screw Brad Pitt. We just wish he made crappy movies.

1. Abs. There is not one thing more overblown in all of the world of pop culture than abdominal muscles. News flash, they're not even that important in the grand scheme of health. Yes, it's important to have good back support from them but no one, NO ONE, needs a rock-hard chissled 6-pack. But everyone E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E seems to want them. Meaning wants to have them on themselves or have access to touching them on someone else. And why can't we stop the obsession? Because we're weak-willed, insecure, shallow, superficial, image-obsessed drones. Yeah sure whatev' we don't hear any chicks complaining about Richard's lack of intellectual depth.