The Agony of King Dufus

It's been a little while since The Empire polluted the "air waves" and don't take that personally people, it's mostly because we wanted to keep the Steelers flare on the forefront. But now that we're back on the clock it would make sense to do a little of what The Empire does best; spew pointless "wisdom," meaningless angst, and gender/race/lifestyle insensitivities. So, in that vein, 5 points of interest.

1. A free piece of advice to anyone who frequents the ol' gymnasium. Never, NEVER! look in the mirror while you're working out. There are two things that are guaranteed to happen if you look in the mirror while pumping your iron. First, you're guaranteed to notice someone else doing the exact same exercise who's twice as cut/jack/built/whatever as you are, thus instantly stealing your will to live not to mention finish your set. Second, you're going to see the incredibly stupid faces you make when you’re trying to "push it." Here a hint; it's the same face you make when you're trying to "push it" the day after buffalo wing fest.

2. (Disclaimer: The Empire doesn't use the word gay as a derogatory or pejorative term, we're just calling a spade a spade.) It doesn't matter who you are, what you do, where you're from, which designer clothes you sport, what car you drive, or who you're putting your genitals in at the end of the night; IF at ANY point in your life you take your shirt off and bear your (remember we're talking to men here) chest at a night club then YOU ARE GAY. Period! There is no discussion. No shirt? Gay! No shoes? No service! wait.....

3. Four words for religious people: CHILL THE FUCK OUT! Is The Empire alone in the sentiment that this series of Muslim riots over a cartoon are about as tragic as when thousands of nutty Christians travel from around the world to see the image of Mary in a water-stained window or a frozen meat chop? Let's be serious (by the way that's our new catch phrase,) why are people still willing to riot, murder, and destroy for what amounts to be belief in the boogie man. Let's bring it's down a notch folks.

4. Valentine's Day is a joke. It has come and gone yet again and The Empire is proud to say that we completely avoided it. Thanks to the girlfriend for taking the higher road and accepting a gift on a completely random day of the year.

5. The Olympics are going on, and that's cool. But you know what's not cool? Bode Miller. This joker has shaped up to be an even more pathetic disappointment than Dan and Dave, and Dan didn't even make the damn Olympics! We remember the Olympics being kind of awesome in the 80's. There was a certain majesty about it. The spirit of team, the exclusivity that comes with only going once every 4 years, that kind of thing. And now what do we have? Every two years we get an over-publicized under-covered patriotism-fest. Complete with total disregard for other countries, one or two pretty boy/girl marquis players who 4 out of 5 times fails to live up to expectations and after the games gets arrested for blood doping, drunk driving, or wife beating, and a stupid stupid cartoon logo. "Dear Olympics, get snooty again please. Don't bother trying to draw a mass crowd of regular Americans. You did better off when you acted like you were all better than popular sports, the elite, so to speak. At least then we felt snooty too for watching and that raised our generally low self worth. Now we just feel like we're missing a comically effeminate contestant on American Idol."

That is all.