Steel Cage Grudge Match of Hotness

Doesn't it seem like the celebrity feuds of late are just lacking a certain something? We would submit that they're missing two elements; women of epic style and stature, and a pointless judgmental third party analysis. So it is, in this vein, that The Empire is proud to present a playoff style breakdown of how Diane Lane and Linda Fiorentino (the two most wildly underappreciated vamps of our time) would fair in a head-to-head standoff.

Let the games begin.

1 - Take Her Home To Momma - Diane Lane is cute. She has that quirky corner smile that makes everyone want to pour a cup of hot cocoa and snuggle. Linda Fiorentino is sly. She has a tight-lipped smile that makes everyone want to dry hump the nearest standing fixed object. Don't get the two confused or you'll end up with chocolate stains on your pants. Edge: Diane

2 - The Obligatory Looks - Both of these women have A-list figures, drop dead cabooses and eyes that make little boys discover the true use for their palms. There's no way to pick the "hotter" one. But when a woman brushes a line of jet-black hair off her face, let's just admit it, everything in the room stands at attention, not just soldiers. Edge: Linda

3 - Star Power - These days Diane has the box office oomph to carry a top billing, mostly on account of her willingness to get wild and out in Unfaithful. But let's not forget Linda's foray into the knockdown drag-out sex thriller in Jade. Again, a tight battle but Diane took direction in Unfaithful from the same guy who directed 9 1/2 Weeks, Fatal Attraction, and Indecent Proposal. That's practically a curriculum vita for a lifetime achievement in soft-core porn. Takes guts. Edge: Diane

4 - Upper Body Strength - Come on, look at those pictures. Linda could crush you with a cross body forearm shot and not spill the martini in her left hand. Edge: Linda

5 - Lower Body Strength - Neither of these girls are Famke Jansen in Goldeneye but as we mentioned in number 3, Diane's had to work the area like a pro. You probably wouldn't want her going all Steven Segal on your ass. Edge: Diane

6 - A Battle of Leading Men - Let's be serious, John Cusak may be the perennial nice guy but he would make David Carusso his prison bitch in half a round. Edge: Diane

7 - Taste in Action Roles - Don't worry we're not saying that Men In Black was a work of finely tuned film artistry, it just ain't Judge Dredd. Edge: Linda by a lack of Rob Schneider

8 - Hometown - Again, let's be serious here. Philly vs. The City. No contest. Edge: Diane by the greatest place on earth.

9 - Why She Might Make You Cry in Bed - Diane might make you cry because you're so happy in love with her. Linda might make you cry because she's bruised you in places you didn't know you had. Edge: Linda, bring protection

10 - Knows Her Way Around a Bar - Remember that time in Dogma when Linda goes to a strip club and talks to Salma Hayek before she kicks the crap out of the whiny bitch twins Matt Damon and Ben "I'm A Huge Tool" Affleck? Yeah, us too, Diane was too busy starring in a schmaltzy chick flick with the Lord of Rings guy to remember what we really care about in life, beer and hotness. Edge: Linda (by a Salma, but that's a whole other discussion)

And the Winner Is !!!

All of us, of course. Come on, any reason to imagine these two stunning works of human existence in the same venue is enough to make us here at The Empire give up trying to be witty and just walk around writing songs about how Diane Lane and Linda Fiorentino could create world peace and eternal life if we could just somehow blend them together into the ultimate "Sexy Older Woman" robot.