Why Can't I Hate Right

Sometimes we, as consumers, have absolutely no control over what we want. We buy trendy overpriced clothes, prototype electronic goods, and first generation cars that just always break down. And we continue to do it, over and over again. We know we're doing it but we just can't seem to stop. Well, doesn't the same thing kind of go for the pop media that we consume? Television is all crap. Every plot line is a rehash of something that intruiged us years ago, yet we still watch. Movie stink. Remake after remake, we see the same generic characters and storylines played out, but we still cough up ten bucks on a Friday night. Pop music? Let's not even open that can of worms. It seems we continue to love things that just undeniably suck.

So, it is in recognition of this puzzling situation that The Empire would like to examine the top 5 Pop culture icons that we simply Hate to Love:

5. George Clooney. This jackass is one of those truly upsetting examples of a movie star who would be just excellent if he could learn to keep his big fat mouth shut. At any given moment over the last decade Clooney could be heard spouting off his bassackwards opinions on politics, social "injustice," or public policy. He has no shame in his blathering on and on, backing up nothing more than his own personal agenda. And he is completely unapologetic in his gargantuan self-absorbtion. But damn does that sonovabitch have some screen presence! He makes funny movies, enjoyable crap-action movies. He's pretty convincing in a drama and knows how to throw in a playful satire from time to time; a true entertainer. Even during this year's Oscar ceremony, you could kind of see shadows of the Jack (The True Great One) Nicholson in the grey-haired ER alum. Wouldn't life be a lot easier if this bonehead could just stick to being a great star and not just another loud ignorant "actorvist?"

4. Katie Holmes. Granted, this is an entry based strongly on recent events but let's call a spade a spade. Where once stood the fair-skinned, dark-haired young beauty with the crooked smile we couldn't help but have wet dreams about, now lies the twisted ruins of a Hollywood nutbag gone horribly wrong? Pregnant, unwed, careerless, scurying around the world with Capitan ElCreapo the grinning midget and his "aliens are gonna get us" cult, Katie has done a complete 180. Or shall we say a 666ty. Forget hurricane Katrina, what about this arbitrary destruction and meaningless suffering that is our former Joey Potter? And yet, through the glory of preserved media we can still toss in a DVD, pull out an old magazine, or punch in a Google search and pretend that she's still the innocent, mediocre actress we loved circa 2002. The trouble is, we still know the sordid and tragic truth. She'll never be pre-TomKat Katie again.

3. The 80's. Tube socks, Debbie Gibson, day-glo, New Coke, crimping irons, and Richard Grieco. Do we really need to go into more reasons why the 1980's were a stunning disaster? But let's face it, millions of people just seem to have a big soft spot for decade that God forgot. Hell, there's a president of a Phil Collins/Genisis fanclub out there who truly relishes the 80's Dance Night at his favorite local club. There are legions of girls who pull their hair back into the off center ponytail once a month. For goodness sake, The Empire has even been known to rock out to Billy Idol from time to time. It's hard to deny. We love the 80's. But don't you HATE THAT!?

2. ....one of the truest Man Codes states, "It's okay to like Snatch, Seven, and Fight Club, but it is not okay to like Brad Pitt." I think this is a concept that men, and even most women, can really get on board with. Brad Pitt is kind of a dick. He seems completely unable to be faithful to even the most amazing of women. He's literally dropped one after another, like a fricken branch-hopping monkey, on the simple matter of convenience. "Gee, made a movie with her, better start cleaning her pipes. To hell with my girlfriend, fiance, wife." Let's be serious here, this ponce broke the heart of Jennifer Aniston, arguably one of the world's greatest natural resources since crude oil. And to top it all of, the bastard is smug, seriously smug. It's as though he walks around knowing he's the greatest piece of ass on seven continents. And dammit, it's pretty widely accepted that he is. So, it stands to argue that we should like him. But on the same token, it stands to argue that we should hate his perfect guts. Screw Brad Pitt. We just wish he made crappy movies.

1. Abs. There is not one thing more overblown in all of the world of pop culture than abdominal muscles. News flash, they're not even that important in the grand scheme of health. Yes, it's important to have good back support from them but no one, NO ONE, needs a rock-hard chissled 6-pack. But everyone E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E seems to want them. Meaning wants to have them on themselves or have access to touching them on someone else. And why can't we stop the obsession? Because we're weak-willed, insecure, shallow, superficial, image-obsessed drones. Yeah sure whatev' we don't hear any chicks complaining about Richard's lack of intellectual depth.

Steel Cage Grudge Match of Hotness

Doesn't it seem like the celebrity feuds of late are just lacking a certain something? We would submit that they're missing two elements; women of epic style and stature, and a pointless judgmental third party analysis. So it is, in this vein, that The Empire is proud to present a playoff style breakdown of how Diane Lane and Linda Fiorentino (the two most wildly underappreciated vamps of our time) would fair in a head-to-head standoff.

Let the games begin.

1 - Take Her Home To Momma - Diane Lane is cute. She has that quirky corner smile that makes everyone want to pour a cup of hot cocoa and snuggle. Linda Fiorentino is sly. She has a tight-lipped smile that makes everyone want to dry hump the nearest standing fixed object. Don't get the two confused or you'll end up with chocolate stains on your pants. Edge: Diane

2 - The Obligatory Looks - Both of these women have A-list figures, drop dead cabooses and eyes that make little boys discover the true use for their palms. There's no way to pick the "hotter" one. But when a woman brushes a line of jet-black hair off her face, let's just admit it, everything in the room stands at attention, not just soldiers. Edge: Linda

3 - Star Power - These days Diane has the box office oomph to carry a top billing, mostly on account of her willingness to get wild and out in Unfaithful. But let's not forget Linda's foray into the knockdown drag-out sex thriller in Jade. Again, a tight battle but Diane took direction in Unfaithful from the same guy who directed 9 1/2 Weeks, Fatal Attraction, and Indecent Proposal. That's practically a curriculum vita for a lifetime achievement in soft-core porn. Takes guts. Edge: Diane

4 - Upper Body Strength - Come on, look at those pictures. Linda could crush you with a cross body forearm shot and not spill the martini in her left hand. Edge: Linda

5 - Lower Body Strength - Neither of these girls are Famke Jansen in Goldeneye but as we mentioned in number 3, Diane's had to work the area like a pro. You probably wouldn't want her going all Steven Segal on your ass. Edge: Diane

6 - A Battle of Leading Men - Let's be serious, John Cusak may be the perennial nice guy but he would make David Carusso his prison bitch in half a round. Edge: Diane

7 - Taste in Action Roles - Don't worry we're not saying that Men In Black was a work of finely tuned film artistry, it just ain't Judge Dredd. Edge: Linda by a lack of Rob Schneider

8 - Hometown - Again, let's be serious here. Philly vs. The City. No contest. Edge: Diane by the greatest place on earth.

9 - Why She Might Make You Cry in Bed - Diane might make you cry because you're so happy in love with her. Linda might make you cry because she's bruised you in places you didn't know you had. Edge: Linda, bring protection

10 - Knows Her Way Around a Bar - Remember that time in Dogma when Linda goes to a strip club and talks to Salma Hayek before she kicks the crap out of the whiny bitch twins Matt Damon and Ben "I'm A Huge Tool" Affleck? Yeah, us too, Diane was too busy starring in a schmaltzy chick flick with the Lord of Rings guy to remember what we really care about in life, beer and hotness. Edge: Linda (by a Salma, but that's a whole other discussion)

And the Winner Is !!!

All of us, of course. Come on, any reason to imagine these two stunning works of human existence in the same venue is enough to make us here at The Empire give up trying to be witty and just walk around writing songs about how Diane Lane and Linda Fiorentino could create world peace and eternal life if we could just somehow blend them together into the ultimate "Sexy Older Woman" robot.