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Old News, New Twist

Doesn’t it always seem like the best answers to the most interesting questions come to you long after the discussion is over? It certainly seems that way around here. So, in the spirit of showing up to the party late but always making a killer entrance, The Empire would like to dedicate this week’s entry to current events that are a little less than current. And in honor of our favorite punctual news analyst, we will bring you this installment's series of aimless complaints in the style of the Mclaughlin Group.

Issue Number 1: Hollywood’s Green Is Not So Ripe

Starting in late 2003, about every three or four weeks, invaluable news publications like People, Entertainment Weekly, and Us began waxing idiotic about the reasons and responses to the sudden and steady decline in feature film ticket sales. The first diagnosis was to pin the blame on an upsurge of internet piracy. The MPAA spent many months and millions of dollar whining, like the inbred members of Metallica, that consumers were getting their flick on by downloading new releases at home.

We’ll repeat that because it’s the kind of thing that causes most readers’ brains to suddenly veer off like a 90-pound cheerleader who just had her first shot of Jager and is trying to race her “best friend” to the jukebox.

The Motion Picture Association of America thought that John Q. Moviegoer was skipping his Friday nights at the local Cineplex Odeon because he preferred watching rough-cut camcorder copies of brand new movies on a 21-inch desktop computer screen - complete with Taiwanese subtitles - to actually going out and seeing them in a theater.

Well, as The Empire is so happy to provide, here is some free advice to the over-swollen egos just westward of logic-Ville.

Dear Hollywood, most people stopped going to the movies when the movies all turned to freeze-dried crap packets. We’re sick of movies about a hard-nosed don’t take no jive teacher who rescues a bunch of misanthropic teenagers from wasting their lives with drugs and crime. Also, we get it, you can make every horror movie more bloody than the last AND you can still make a camera cut sharply to the left with properly timed music that makes most weak bladdered youngsters cry like you kicked their puppy.

And finally, STOP REMAKING EVERYTHING!!! Between the pointless and plotless sequels and the non-stop “21st century spins on a classic” people have no interest in paying ten bucks to see a good movie a second time when isn’t any good anymore. Seeing a remake feels a lot like what happens when you see an edge of your seat thriller and some jerkoff next to you spoils the whole thing by telling what happens in the end. Except in these movies, that jerkoff IS YOU!

Perhaps if all of the rich and creative minds out in California could band together and make something that is both new and, dare we suggest, interesting, people might actually want to spend time in a dark room for two and half hours with a hundred complete strangers.


Issue Number 2: Lombardi Would Not Approve

For anyone who missed it, earlier this week former Dallas Cowboy and mediocre television sports commentator Michael Irving was arrested on drug related charges AGAIN. As though it wasn’t tricky enough to be a wealthy black man in America, citizens throughout the nation now have to deal with yet another middle-aged celebrity who is reinforcing the worst kind of stereotypes by, as Disco Charlie might say, taking too many trips up to the candy mountain.

Seriously Michael. You’ve got a job that most men would give a testicle for, maybe even two. You talk sports, you wear nice suits, you meet famous players, and you schmooze with the glitterati, that’s it. What can a puff of white powder up the nose give you that life has not already laid on your incredibly expensive doorstep? For goodness sake, we’re in a playoff hunt here! T.O.’s finally gone away, Randy Moss isn’t making enough plays to open his fat mouth, and the Eagles and the Ravens are sucking harder than George W. Bush at a public speaking contest, what more could you ask for? Do yourself and everyone else a favor. Don’t be the douche who ruined December by making an ass of himself so noticeably that we forget how wonderful he was on the field.

Issue Number 3: It’s A Corporate Holiday, Stupid

We’ll keep this one short in the interest of not igniting a huge socio-political debate.

Christmas does not belong to Christians anymore. Sorry, your time is over. Now don’t misread this, The Empire is not pulling a New York/LA Times and joining the “hate on Christianity” bandwagon. We’re just saying that this particular tribal tradition no longer has anything to do with religion. Christmas is green and red. Christmas is sales. Christmas is those damned giant golden balls in the mall, atonal caroling, credit card spending, alienating your family, over eating, over drinking, and meaningless eccentric joy. As of 2005 every man, woman and child in American should realize that we, in fact, can come together for 5 weeks and celebrate the fact that our life, wellbeing, and economy are inseparably tied to Santa’s ass.


Happy Friday Everybody!