Target practice

Today on The Empire:

People Who Should be Shot with a Tennis Ball Cannon.......... (watch out, it stings!)

First off: There are no words. A couple of rounds for that right there.

Moving on. The Empire is zeroing the cannon westward towards ye-old Tom Cruise. Let's get something straight here, Tom. You're old! Sure, you're still constitute enough hunkitude to fuel the wet dreams of millions of chicks (and some dudes) out there, but Katie Holmes is young and awesome and NOT FOR YOU. Give her back to the youthful men who grew up watching you steal the previous generation of hotties. You suck ass, Tom! Damn, why do so many of your movies have to rock the house down?

Oil! Oil, sure the tennis balls would just flop into you and sink (or maybe float, probably float) but smacking you with a few dozen zippy rounds would make The Empire feel better about being ostensibly anally raped at the Mobil pump.

Karl Rove, you need to chill the hell out. You were all "the total man" last November but now you're pissing people off. Well, you were pissing half the country off last year but at least the other half thought you were kool. Now, everyone thinks you're a sketchball. A Penn 9 at 90mph for you, sir.

Microsoft, do you need a set of shots to the chest to be confirmed dead or alive? Where are you? Still cowering in the corner under the shadow of iPodness.

And we'd call for a few balls in Cameron Diaz's face but her mouth is just too big and we wouldn't have enough to go around to the other dumb kids.

Al Pacino, stop making crap. You used to be the greatest ever.

And 300 lighting fast tennis-ball-sock-in-the-faces for the Red Sox. I haven't forgotten to hate you. There will be balls for the Ravens later, once we've restocked.

Peace out suckas!