Headlines by The Empire

As we close the door on November 8, 2005, The Empire would like to take some time to recognize a few truly ridonkculous issues; the things that are doing their best to chap the ass of every patient, hard-working American with better things to think about. These are not listed in any particular order.

Who gives a crap about Terrell Owens aside from people in southern New Jersey? Sure we as a society take sports too seriously and probably allow it to affect our lives too deeply in general, but it's sports. We draw such incalculable entertainment and joy from investing ourselves in something that boils down to men running around and throwing a ball. And Terrell Owens is the throbbing pus-filled back pimple of the National Football League. We're talking about a man that is squandering world-class talent and opportunity by embracing his gutter class personality. The Empire is truly sick and tired of hearing and reading the endless conjecture and speculation from the news media on the Terrell Owens issue(s). Tomorrow's headline should simply read: Terrell Owens is still a huge dickhead. There's no need for a sub-line or story, the headline brings everyone up to speed and then that's it. We, as a people, can move on.

And could someone get the word out that school shootings are completely retarded? When The Empire pulls up the CNN and FoxNews websites and is presented with the choice between lampooning the news that a cargo plane crashed into a Wal-Mart or yet another school shooting occurred in the great white South... well, it's just kind of a snark-buster. Enough already! When did high school kids become such maladjusted wussies? "Oh no. My fragile adolescent ego has been damaged. I'd better go get a Sig Sauer and SHOOT SOME PEOPLE!" The Empire has one official comment: "WTF?"

Moving on. Anyone else tired of hearing that gay marriage laws were struck down in Texas? Seriously? This is news? How about this, just underneath the TO headline we can stick a blurb piece on how the South and Midwest don't like gays, that's why Boston, San Francisco, and the West Village exist. We don't need another movement of state legislature. The public would be better served if politics stuck to the important stuff, like unmitigated wasteful spending and warmongering.

And what complaint would be complete without our own Disco Charlie's favorite news topic, Intelligent Design vs. Evolution. See, Disco Charlie is from Minnesota where no one gives a crap where man came from or why, just that man finds some place warm to stick his toes when there are 57 inches of snow coming down and the Vikings are losing to the Chicago Bears. Again! But lucky for Disco Charlie, the great creationist debate slugs on. Dateline Kansas: Bible toting Christians prefer to stick their heads in the sand and ignore all those pesky scientists with their facts and figures. Oh yeah. There is now a LAW in Kansas that promotes a religious theory over objective science in the educational system. Goodness knows we love it when church and government get into bed together. It works so well in IRAN! Sheesh. The Empire doesn't want to offend its right wing base so we'll put the brakes on there.

Finally, thanks to Don for being brave enough to actually pose for that unbearably hysterical picture. I'm sure he'll be locking and loading for the school's cafegymatorium soon enough. Goodnight folks!