I must brrreak you

This episode is all about birthdays. Well about 4 specific birthdays. Mostly about 1. One huge unimportant birthday of awesomeness. Yes, today The Empire salutes 2 crappy actors, 1 crappy actor who has a master's degree in engineering, and 1 mediocre actor who was really badass before he grew too old to be tough.

Number 1 is, of course, our cover stud Dolph "even though I am actually Swedish I've never been cast as Swedish because Americans moviegoers can only identify foreigners as British or enemies" Lundgren. Good ol' Dolph came a-stoppin into fame and all of our hearts with his delicate and multifaceted portrayal of Ivan Drago in the cinematic masterpiece, Rocky IV. Yes, nothing makes for a better movie than some empty cliché characters and dozens of reinforced cultural stereotypes. And and and, our buddy Sly Stallone. Happy Birthday Dolph, good to know you've been putting that impressive post graduate degree to good use.

Number 2 is Kate Capshaw who reminds us that sleeping your way to the top isn't just for corporate America. Kate, that sweetheart for those of you who don't know, was moments away from losing her role (her only role that we'd know about) in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom to Sharon Stone - an arguably better actress - but managed to secure her life-long bread winning and syndicated part by sleeping with Steven Spielberg. Well done Kate. You may have gained a movie "career" and husband but you certainly lost our respect. Wait. Failed to earn our respect? Nah. Mostly we don't care about you at all. Happy Birthday.

Number 3. Rosanne. Oh yeah. Rosanne. Barre or Arnold or whatever your name is. Thanks for making sure that no one in the world can forget just how repulsive white trash can be. And how enduring too. And rich. And still classless. And fat. That's right, I said it, Rosanne is fat. And crude. And annoying. And rich. And fat. And white trash. And not really funny at all. And fat....

And Number 4. Charles Fuckin Bronson. There are no bad things to say about Charles Bronson, as long as you pretend he died immediately after making "Death Wish" in 1974 rather than in 2003 after decades of sad action movie obscurity. RIP Chuck. And happy not birthday. We'll always use the stupid rope.